Ask Eric the Search Engine Spider
SEO training by Eric Boogle - I’ve been a search engine spider since the inception of the internet, my Dad Larry says I’m a bum or is it a bot, anyway that doesn’t matter as today I want to talk about me, me and more me. I would like to tell you web design people about my job and give some search engine optimisation training. Better still why don’t you enrol on our e-learning SEO course, it’s online and can be completed in your own time, and you will be a guru by the end of it, or listen to a few things about seo training course before you make a decision.
Let me tell you about my job, it’s is a chore with the thousands of website owners and web designers trying to get to page one for their chosen key phrases, ironic really as few have the knowledge or content, so what’s the rush? Calm down it will make my job easier, every man and his dog seems to want to gain a high position! So all of you out there, why don’t you make my job as a search engine spider a little easier by applying the basic principles, for goodness sake SEO is not rocket science, and I can help you with a little training. I’m getting a little tired of those long web journeys, so have decided to pass on a few of the tips that will make my job lot easier.
I’ve seen a few things on my travels, oh yes indeed, especially when crawling those adult sites, if only you could see some of the things these people get up to, to gain a high position I mean.
So here I am, another year older and another years knowledge, I’m tired I am a little daunt being 75 human years old (14 spider years), I crawl many sites on a regular basis only to find barriers, if it’s not barriers, its compliancy issues, if it’s not compliancy its broken links, if it’s not broken routes its script that I don’t understand – why should I bother anymore, might as well speak Geordinease , dear oh dear where will it end?
I did find a few sites that were easy for me to follow, places where I could get some juice and things I can take home for the family, I share this stuff with my boss old Boogle hips. The Boogle mansion is an old family home where the kids can wander and generally enjoy life, eating other spiders as they grow. However I don’t allow them to travel too far as they may find themselves falling into the sandpit (some right nasty goings on in their), little and often is enough. We aren’t a sad family, we do allow our little bots to live life and go out to play; it’s getting difficult now though with so many ASBO’s about! I allowed them out last month for a quick crawl, you know what? They came back tipsy, well you may accept that from your black hat ASBO’S but let me tell you something Mrs Boogle weren’t too happy as she doesn’t allow juice of a dubious nature in the house. You’ve guessed, they visited those sites offering free things like ‘buy links’ and ‘free prawns’, my little bots had more than the recommended amount of juice this day , the web owners had employed the wrong people to market their sites, these so called search engine optimisation people, you know the ones, they wear long black rain coats and black hats and had used dubious methods gaining thousands of links in a very short period! Mrs Boogle was not a happy spider, the little bots returned slaughtered and into the sand pit the culprits went.
However in my desperation to escape, I’ve managed to find a few more interesting sites that are easy to navigate and even when I left, found myself taking the wrong turn and ending up back to them, must have been the site map that led me there; a one way route to empathy. My boss, old scraggily tooth Boogle calls them inbound routes; from a spiders perspective they are motorways, somewhere I can go to get away from the ‘long haired colonel’ but always end up back in the same old place when shoping for key phrases . From my point of view I have no choice but to place them in my favourites and add them to my top ten places to visit, after all, I keep ending up their anyway, juiced sites I think they call them. There are so many roads into this place that I don’t know where to turn because everywhere brings me back to the same location, wherever will I turn next.
The old dear don’t like some of the things I bring back, when she finds some of my favourites often under the bed, she throws them out like a hot potato, into a place where they sit, where no one can them. A few weeks later whilst I was out on my travels I popped in to say hello to the same site, you know what it had changed its ways, turned over a new leaf and was actually quite nice to me. All of that fishing net script had been removed; there were loads of roads into the site from some of my other favourite sites. Old scraggily tooth the algo was starting to like these extreme makeovers and even placed them in his top 10, I got a pat on the back and a facelift for being good. That site ended up very popular because it contained some very interesting information. A falling domino effect had occurred, before the site new it there were thousands of friends connecting to him, he felt really important! People were asking to be his friend through other social meeting places, even people they had never met were stumbling, digging and even talking about him on Facebook and Bebo.
I’ve been on a few more journeys lately, largely due to Mrs Boogle wanting a complete web divorce and the spider court awarding her 75% of my 22 year pension, not bad considering she has remained at the rear of the web, sitting on the stones with feet up, whilst I’ve been sniping to make a living. She claims a medical condition, over active thyroid she says, over active knife and fork me thinks! We arachnoids don’t suck on lemons though, let bygones be bygones, she deserves all of the blue bottles she can eat!
My boss is an grumpy old algo, one day he is in a good mood and happy with what I bring back next he has a face like thunder coz I bring back junk, which he sometime ranks low for various reasons.
He has been alright since the makeover he says my countless hours are well spent and good because I’m helping people find interesting information related to a subject. However between you and me I think he has a medical disability; every time I come back he changes his mind, I don’t know where I stand anymore! It’s depressing and I’m at an all time spider low, my backside and inside legs are touching the floor, in fact I’m thinking of emigrating to the far off land of yaloodle, a place said to be lost in time that has business relations with the arachnophobia rehabilitation place at Central Parky - does anyone know of a 24 hour SEO doctor, where can I get help?
The said spider has been admitted to our SEO training and rehabilitation course where he can make friends with like minded people such as the football legend Pauly Brasgoint; with time we hope old spider legs will make a complete recovery and return home to embrace his little bots.
We hope that no one wants to read the next chapter of ‘life as search engines spider’? Please don’t make me write a second chapter; this one was painful enough!.
We offer web design and SEO in the UK and have many clients based in Bath Bristol & Salisbury
